A Single Mother's Wish List

Sometimes, I worry about him. I worry myself sick. I hold him in my arms, and look down at him while he sleeps, wondering what life has in store for him. I worry because there is so much that I can't control. I worry because he is already at a disadvantage; he is a fatherless African American child who will one day be a black man. He will eventually have to navigate his own way through life, without me to protect him. I worry for him every single night, and every single day. Sometimes, it brings me to tears, but I have to be strong. I have to be strong for him.

I want him to be the most well-rounded person I will ever meet. Even more so than his mother. I want him to be comfortable with being on the block as well as in the boardroom. I want him to never be afraid to love, and to live. I want him to embrace who he is and never apologize for being different. I want him to realize that having one parent can sometimes be a blessing, because that one parent is guaranteed to love him even more. I want him to love himself first and foremost, and to be a better person for it. I want him to be open minded, to never settle for less than what he deserves and to forgive people for their transgressions. I want him to go to places that I can only dream of in this lifetime.

I am his mother, his father, his confidante, his best friend, his stability and his provider. I am everything to him, and he is to me, for he is my son, and I would rather die before I deny him a fair chance at living the life he was destined to live. He is the one true love of my life, and I will always be by his side.

~S

No Rest for the Weary...

So Ethan and I have made it through the first six months. I think I've done a pretty good job! Not a scar, scab or scrape on him, and he's pretty healthy. A whopping 19 pounds! He's doing a ton of new things, he seems to change every day. His newest thing now is attempting to crawl. He wants to be mobile so bad, you can see it. He'll be moving around soon, so I need to get to the gym and lose some of this baby fat!

But the one new thing Ethan's doing that's not so cool is this: waking up FREQUENTLY at night after I've put him down. If I lie him down in his crib, he may sleep for all of an hour before he wakes himself up and starts crying. As if to say aloud "MOM! WHAT am I doing in HERE??!" I try putting the pacifier in his mouth, shhing, I even try rubbing his tummy. Nothing works with the exception of mommy's arms (and bed). He'll only sleep for long periods of time if he's in MY bed. While I love cuddling with him, I feel that during his sleepytime, he should be in his own bed (which is all of 3 feet away from mine!).

I think I'm going to try to tire him out for a little while before I put him down, and push back his down time a tad. Maybe that will make him tired enough to stay asleep! *sigh* stay tuned.

~S